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This blog is mostly about things of an actuarial nature, but occasionally I need to vent about the world and what is bothering me on a given day. Today it is online dating.
Yes, I set up a profile on one of the dating sites and I've had some communication with a few girls but never leading anywhere. Today I messaged someone who responded immediately with the following:
"Your profile is terrible! I get to know nothing about you from it so I don't have a clue if I am interested in getting to know you."
It took everything I had to resist pointing out the contradiction in that statement. Failed.
I don't know if it is consumer culture or increasingly anti-social tendencies among youth due to online modes of communication, but I am frustrated every day by the attitudes I perceive, especially among 20's women. I don't look or act like a creep - I'm a normal guy of average or maybe slightly above average attractiveness, and above average intelligence. But it is almost unacceptable today to approach a girl you don't know out in public and show interest. If you try to strike up a conversation with a female stranger you are automatically a creep.
Enter online dating. Allows people to minimize the awkward interaction component of dating - if you don't like someone's appearance or what they have to say about themselves you can just ignore them. No need to go through the motions out of politeness as you might in person. But I feel like the experience encourages a shopper's mentality. You browse profiles like you would items at the grocery store. You read the label, read the blurbs, compare it to the next item on the shelf...you do everything but test the product. On the other side are people marketing themselves, using the right buzz words, trying to appear fun and adventurous, intelligent and successful - every dude near me is apparently an avid hiker who loves to plan adventures.
IMO, online dating provides two advantages over the bar: it allows me to identify singles and exclude those who are taken, and it allows me to separate full-on idiots from those of reasonable intelligence (sentence structure and grammar). To gain those two advantages I sacrifice on the third important aspect (pre-getting to know someone) which is assessing physical attractiveness. This is better done in person but can still be achieved at some level of confidence online. After those 3 filters are applied I want to get to know the person - that is, I want to meet over a drink and have a conversation. I do not want to read a life story online and compare their personality test answers to my own. I want to save the mystery and learn those things the old fashioned way, but it seems to be the expectation that you get all of that out of the way in advance.
So yes - most of my profile sections are brief and filled in with comments about cats with funny captions. I expect females to determine whether my looks meet their standards and to contact me (or respond if I messaged them) if they are interested. I'm not making a sales pitch or giving up my income level in advance - if someone wants to get to know me they will have to skip getting to know me.
-FS
What site do you use? I've been debating whether or not I wanted to try online dating. I am an entry level actuarial analyst and this seems to be the best way for me to meet people.
ReplyDeleteI have been trying out OKcupid, which is free. I went in with extremely low expectations, which have been met and not exceeded. I'm of the opinion that the site is basically a lookfest (satisfies a voyeuristic urge) and ego-booster for women (who are bombarded by men messaging them, where many would rarely be approached out at a bar).
ReplyDeleteThe interaction above - I messaged the girl saying hi, she essentially said my profile sucked because she could not creep on me, to which I responded saying something along the lines of she was free to ask me what she wanted to know, and better yet we could meet up for a drink and get to know each other, to which she said "Go away." On her profile, she describes herself as a "nice, quiet girl" who is looking for a long term relationship with someone who is the "whole package."
My bet is she will be looking for a long time given her approach to getting to know men.
Oh wow thats great. I was looking at eharmony but since the site you mentioned is free I will try it out lol. I hope things get better on your end.
ReplyDeleteYou're posting minimal info on a website and you expect some girl to go out and meet up with a total stranger for a drink? What did you expect her to say?
ReplyDeleteI'm posting minimal info on a *dating* website, so yes being she is also on a dating site I expect her to meet up with a total stranger for a drink (assuming she finds me attractive, and I provide plenty of pictures). Do you date people you know through dating sites?
DeleteThis is the anti-social mentality that I am referring to. Strangers are not dangerous. The people you know are statistically more dangerous than the strangers you don't know.
"I can't meet a good guy. I'm not willing to get to know strangers." - Do you see a problem here? Maybe a causal relation?
DeleteI never said it's reasonable for her to expect you to post your life's story (or your degrees, salary, etc.) on a dating site. But her reaction is not at all surprising. I don't know exactly how minimal the info is that you're posting, but it's hard for me to imagine you getting different results without giving in to their rules of posting a lot more.
DeleteAnd I'm probably more likely to get killed driving to the airport than to get in a plane crash, but that doesn't mean I don't worry more about the plane ride.
women, amirite?
ReplyDeletewhat are you doing trying to meet women? focus on your strengths and write me a macro
ReplyDeleteTarget women who are above the age of 30, for these women know that their time as desirable human beings will soon be up, and so getting them to your bed is as easy as stealing a candy from a baby.
ReplyDeleteDon't waste your time with girls 18-25 since these b1tches think that they are the $hit when in fact they are nothing.
For the record, I am in my early twenties and I have banged many cougars ranging from late-twenties to even early-forties, this after being constantly frustrated from illogical rejections from b1tches 18-25 who were fat and studied in non-STEM majors.